Growing up, people always said that I was shy and I believed
them. I was the hide-behind-my-mothers-skirts, not-very-outgoing,
blushing-bright-red child who always seemed to miss social cues and whom
struggled being around too many people at once.
Knowing my struggles, my mother forced me to speak to the cashier
at the service station and got me to pay for our petrol, or she would get me to
give my order to the waiter at the restaurant. These simple acts were
terrifying to me!
But…
I’m not shy.
When I was a teenager I used to stare at my feet and I always
had a scowl on my face and I used meanness to place myself above other people
because I was so scared of them.
One of the hardest thing I ever did was get my first job. If
my parents weren’t so insistent, I wouldn’t’ have done it in the first place
but mum took me to the local chemist and forced me to hand in my resume. She made
sure I was the one to do it and ensured that I did all the talking. Then she
drove me back for the interview and I had to do that all on my own too. I was
able to fake confidence for the 15 minute duration of the interview, but when I
started the job I was constantly overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to deal with
the customers, whom were occasionally hostile with my slowness and awkwardness
and occasionally just jerks because…well, they were just jerks. But it was also
hard talking to the people I worked with. Sometimes they would blow up at me
and sometimes they would just ignore me. I was even told by my boss that I
needed to smile more and not look so depressed. This was so hard for me because
I couldn’t feign confidence for that amount of time and I couldn’t force a
smile. It was all so draining.
At church it wasn’t any easier. I was comfortable with my
sisters and my friends from school, but if they weren’t there, I was lost and
the girl with the scowl would return and suddenly I was “too cool for kid’s
church.” I would stand there with my arms folded and not talk to anyone.
If work was hard; University was agonising!
Suddenly, I was in the deep end. My parents wouldn’t help me
at all. I didn’t know how to catch a train or bus, or look up the timetables. I
didn’t know how to drive. I didn’t even know how much the tickets were. I didn’t
know my way around the university because I had failed to go to the orientation
day, again out of fear, and I didn’t know a soul. The first week held a LOT of
tears. I remember calling my boyfriend at the time, whom was on his way to
work, absolutely sobbing, to come and pick me up because I was lost and couldn’t
find the university. On that hysterical day, I finally got to the university
only to see a sign put up on the door of my classroom that said that our class
had been cancelled. And, it was the only class I had on that day. I had only
planned a return trip that matched the time my class finished so I had no idea what
bus to catch or how to get home. I have never felt more scared and miserable.
Then, a girl showed up. She offered me a ride home and she showed me kindness.
I never saw her again, but she was such an angel! She gave me the courage to go
back again. And eventually I was able to do it. I still sat by myself in the library
with my headphones on not talking to anyone, but I had taken a step.
I eventually lost the scowl and I learned to include more
people into my circle of friends, but it was still an ongoing struggle.
The funny thing is, I always thought that I was “just shy.”
But now I know better.
I joined a church called Sovereign Grace and on my first
time at Fellowship Group (which was a group where just the women would meet
together) I found myself blurting this all out to them—to perfect strangers. I
told them how at my new job, as a teacher, I was terrified to go into the
staffroom and talk to people and that the temptation was to stay in my
classroom at lunch and avoid them altogether. I broke down all my defences and
let someone in on my darkest secret.
Their response? Two other women confessed and told me that
they could relate to my feelings. Confident, wise, strong women who had the same
anxieties! You have no idea how good it feels for someone to say “me too!” It’s just like the apostle Paul says, in 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you that is
not common to man.”
The ladies in the group referred me to a book that helped
them, called ‘When People Are Big and God is small,’ by Ed Welch. Welch teaches about how a need for the approval of people
gives them power over you and then this controls you. He called it “fear of
man.”
It turns out my problem was not just part of my personality.
I have a problem—a sin problem. And it’s a universal problem, not just for the “shy”
people. Even confident people are concerned with the opinions of others. The
problem is that we see people as bigger than they are and it affects people in
different ways. For me it was “thwarted pride.” I wanted to be more than I was—to
be seen as perfect. I chose people as my god to fear, because what I really
feared was the gaze of a holy God. The one true God, whom I could never stand
before as perfect.
Reading this book was like someone slapping me in the face
and telling me that I messed up. But the truth in it was also refreshing. It
was probably more like a bucket of crisp, cold water thrown in my face.
After that, I stopped giving myself the excuse that I was
shy. I was just choosing to be afraid of people instead of trusting God. And I
wasn’t being loving to others either.
One verse really stuck with me that changed the way I acted
around others. Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility
count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his
own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
How can you look out for other people’s interests when you
won’t even talk to them? So I began to put myself out there and I forced myself
to say yes to everything. I went to every dinner invite, every movie or beach
invite, every event at church… and eventually, people didn’t even believe me when
I told them that I used to be shy.
Now I love people. I put myself out there. I allow them to
see the nerdy side of me, the silly side of me, the deep side of me and the
questioning side of me (because I have a lot of those…). And I have found rich
blessings from God through breaking off this “shyness” and putting on love.
It’s not to say that I don’t struggle anymore. The feelings
are still there. What is it like? Imagine your heart racing, your mind filling
up suddenly with many, confusing worries, a desire to flee and the room
suddenly appears larger before you and then you panic.
When I get invited to a party, I have to fight the desire to
not go. When I serve on kid’s ministry and have to enter the main hall at
church afterwards when everyone else is in full conversation…the temptation is
to go straight home and not fellowship with others. When I know I should tell strangers
about Jesus and share the good news about his death and resurrection, I am
tempted to say, “That’s a job for the extravert.” But the Bible says that I
shouldn’t trust my feelings. The Bible says that our hearts are deceitful. And
I believe it.
I am not free of these feelings, but I am free of the victim
mentality. I now know that I can fight it and believe what the Word says, “I
have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.”
So, I’m not shy.
There’s no such excuse. Praise God that He is greater.
