I was watching some clips on Youtube yesterday when I spotted some episodes that had been posted from one of my favourite childhood television shows ‘Boy Meets World.’ I decided to watch it for old-time’s sake, but then ended up falling in love with it all over again. So much so, that the rest of my afternoon was spent flicking through different episodes of the series. While the romantic relationships annoyed me at times (especially the on-again-off-again Corey and Topanga) there was one relationship that drew me in: Corey and Shawn’s. There is something so powerful, so inspiring, and so attractive about friendship—not the kind of friends that just hang out together and sit together at school, but the kind of friends that love each other, hurt each other and are real with each other. In the show, at times, people struggled coming to terms with the friendship between Corey and Shawn and there was constant worry that there might be a homosexual element to it—with Corey’s dad even going so far as to ask him: “You still enjoy kissing Topanga don’t you?” However, the boys felt no discomfort about the jibes of others because they knew what they were to each other. My thoughts naturally went to the friendship I have with my own best friend and I was reminded of how rare yet how amazing it is to have someone say that they share a connection with you. C.S. Lewis wrote an accurate depiction of friendship and I thought I would compare his words with my experience and the stories of some of the men in the bible.
The first step whenever you speak on a specific topic is to define the important terms, so there is no confusion. However, friendship is not an easy thing to define. It is one of those things where it is easier to say what it is not. C.S. Lewis, in The Four Loves, wrote that while most people are preoccupied with romance and affection, few people truly understand the value of friendship—because few have truly experienced it. I would have to honestly say that I agree. I feel that the friendship I have with my friend Bek is vastly different to the friendships that I see around me. I don’t say that to boast, only as a sad and honest observation. In this day and age, few people have the courage to trust another person; fewer people find it easy to forgive; and fewer people again can maintain their true selves while getting to know another person. I will attempt to define it, nonetheless, as I have experienced it.
It is common, in churches especially, for people to present themselves as their best—no one wants the other to see that they have flaws. It is not to say that this is always the case, but that it is often the case. The thing that I value most from the friends that I have made is: honesty. It sounds almost trite, but the truth is that the very thing that makes a person a kindred spirit is the truth. Usually people say it is ‘being yourself’ that is important. I would agree with that, but I feel that it must be done with care. Usually when people are saying they are being themselves, they are teasing, impolite and often brutal and they expect people to love them as they are. Within every person there is the ability to show respect and restraint. Love is serving one another, not placing heap on another person and expecting them to take it with a smile. That is why I think it is not in the relaxing of manners, but in the openness of the mind. C.S. Lewis describes it as the moment where a person says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one…”
There is a young, married couple that I have made friends with whom I have become closer to in two years than I have with other people I have known much longer. The reason, I think, is because when they first had me over for dinner we did not hold back our secrets, our beliefs, our struggles, or our real interests. I felt as though I really knew this couple after one dinner. The best way into a person’s confidence is to confide in them. I can say the same about my friendship with Bek. We were both attending the same highschool and were at times thrown together and we connected quite well, but it wasn’t until mid-way through highschool that we truly became friends. It still amazes me but the thing that brought us together was actually the thing that made us want to hate the other person: affection for the same boy. Since we were both ‘people pleasers,’ we didn’t like the idea that the other person was mad at us, so despite our opposing agenda, we felt as though we had to “talk about it.” We got together a number of lunch times to talk through our feelings and then, eventually, to talk about the problem. What turned out in the end was that the affection for the boy died and affection for each other formed. Even to this day, I feel a need to tell my friend everything. I do not hold back any information, because it is what we have in common: our honesty.
I have to say, that if it were honesty alone, our friendship would be strong, but it would not last. The thing that I have found that has attributed to the longevity of my friendships is simply an identical faith in Jesus. It’s a mistake to think that we choose our friends, the same as it is a mistake to think that we choose God. We didn’t choose God; He chose us (John 15:16). In the same way, we didn’t choose our friends; God in His providence was at work to bring us together. If Bek had not gone to my highschool, or we had both not liked the same boy, then we would never have had occasion to be friends. Friendship is God’s instrument to help us see the beauty in each other. Therefore, if it derived from Him, then it will be maintained by Him. In the same way that God works to maintain our friendship with each other, our friendship with each other helps to maintain our view and love of God. C.S. Lewis writes “friendship exhibits a glorious ‘nearness by resemblance’ to Heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God.” Therefore God helps us to see the beauty in each other and with each other we can see more of God.
Companionship is usually the relationship that most people are referring to when they refer to their ‘friends.’ It can be born through a common culture or beliefs. It is what you often find in churches when you have been there for a while. Companionship should not be belittled. It serves a great purpose and friendship can definitely grow out of companionship. However, they are not the same thing. Companionship can include all who share in the same thing, but a friend is someone who sees something that you thought you were the only one who saw. It is a distinction of persons. Friends cannot help but exclude themselves from the crowd. When one thinks of companionship, what usually comes to mind is: men watching a football game or women sitting around a table drinking tea. It is the shared interests that bring you together.
Most people will say that everyone needs friends, yet their friendships are a mere diversion, a thing to pass the time. They are usually the same people who confuse friendship with eros (romantic love). Friendship, while being a powerful relationship, is not the same thing as romantic love. I like the way C.S. Lewis says that lovers are face to face absorbed in each other, whereas friends are side by side absorbed in the thing that makes them friends. I will never forget how when I was in highschool one day I was innocently walking down the street holding my friend’s hand and a building worker standing nearby said to us, “Are you girls lesbians?” My friend and I were annoyed at the inference and felt that it was an unfair assumption. However, when I think back to Boy Meets World I can see that people have a really hard time trying to separate friendship and eros.
Physical affection between members of the same sex has, in this day and age, become somewhat taboo. I was having a conversation with some men in my family where they were tickling me and my sister but instead of one tickling the other they said to me, “Nicky, tickle him.” I thought we were all having fun and it was somewhat comical that the boys were concerned that they would look, as they put it, “gay.” I did not understand how it was crossing boundaries simply to tickle your friend. It seems to me that men don’t trust themselves. Are they afraid that they might develop romantic feelings for each other if there is intimacy? Or are they simply afraid of what others will perceive of their relationship? All the real male friendships that I have observed have included physical touch, whereas companionships involve polite embraces (short hugs and handshakes). It makes me think of the musical Grease where Danny and Kenickie hug after a sentimental moment and then quickly pull away and start combing their hair to “save face.” Jesus had a special relationship with His disciples, in particular John whom is referred to as ‘the disciple whom Jesus loved.’ It is not surprising then that there are rumours that Jesus had a homosexual relationship with John. I cannot think of an example where friendship has not been turned into something sinister. All that I can say to that is, if it is okay for Jesus to show affection, then what makes us above Him? It is the culture that should change and not our relationships.
The relationships you see today are so different from the friendships that you see in the bible. Take David and Jonathon for instance. In 1 Samuel 18:1 we read, “As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” I love Clarke’s commentary on this verse. He writes,
“The most intimate friendship subsisted between them; and they loved each other with pure hearts fervently. No love was lost between them; each was worthy of the other. They had a friendship which could not be affected with changes or chances, and which exemplified all that the ancients have said on the subject; Την φιλιαν ισοτητα ειναι, και μιαν ψυχην, τον φιλον ἑτερον αυτον; "Friendship produces an entire sameness; it is one soul in two bodies: a friend is another self."
David also makes a claim about Jonathan that his friendship with him was stronger than any relationship he had ever had with women (2 Samuel 1:26). They are not afraid to be affectionate with each other, in one instance they kiss and embrace and cry together (1 Samuel 20:41). It was acceptable in their culture to embrace and it showed that they considered each other to be family. David and Jonathan were both sons of the King (by birth or marriage) and were both warriors. The bible doesn’t exactly say that they had a common interest, instead it tells us that they loved each other enough to lay their life down for the other and that they were of the same mind. Their friendship was put to the test many times yet they upheld the covenant they made to each other and put friendship above fear of death. This is a reflection of what Jesus said to his disciples, “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Jesus loved us that much. The best example of friendship that you will ever see is that between Jesus and His disciples. Jesus told them the truth. He told them when they were being stupid. He told them when they were under the influence of the devil. He told them He loved them. He embraced them. He asked them to pray for Him. He forgave them more than once. He considered them as family and His mother to be their mother. He died a crucifixion death to save them from their own destiny. He came back from the dead in a glorious form and still assured them, “Do not be afraid.” Jesus wants to be friends with us, but not the kind of friends that we mistakenly confuse with companionship. He wants to show us the truth and He wants us to confess everything to Him. There is no point holding back from Him. Give Him all.
The trouble perhaps after reading this is to think, “I’m going to find a friend.” To want a friendship cannot be the basis of a friendship though. It cannot be looked for. It is something that just happens. The best advice I could give is something that I have taken from The Matrix. The Oracle has a sign above her kitchen door which she shares with Neo. It says, “Know thy self.” If you know who you are and what you like and what you believe, somewhere along the journey of your life you will find someone who shares in that with you. Knowing yourself is not allowing culture to define who you are. In The Matrix Neo says to Morpheus, “I have these memories from my entire life, but…none of them really happened. What does that mean?” To which Morpheous replies, “That the Matrix cannot tell you who you are.” Culture is a human construct. It cannot tell you who you are. You’ve got to decide that for yourself. The trouble then is to think that you need to look within. The self-help industry makes millions—or perhaps even billions—telling people that they need to love themselves—that they need to do what makes them happy. I think that instead of looking inward, we should look to the Holy Spirit, our counselor and communicator, to help us to see what God wants for us. We will never be happy trying to be happy, because we were not designed to please ourselves. We were designed to please God. Therefore, the only way we will ever truly know ourselves is if we ignore what culture tells us, what our wicked hearts tell us, and start believing what God tells us.
It is a fallacy to say that God created us because he was lonely, as if we were designed to be his friends. God did not need to create. He is a triune God and has a communion with Himself that we could never understand. However, it is in His very nature to create and He designed us to bring glory to Himself. In the same way, we do not need friendship, yet it is something that gives value to our life.
With this article, I hope to pay homage to friendship and I hope I have inspired people to share of themselves and not to hold back from God or from each other.
REFERENCES
C.S. Lewis (1960). ‘The Four Loves.’
Clarke. ‘1 Samuel 18:1,’ Biblos commentary, retrieved from http://biblecommenter.com/1_samuel/18-1.htm
