Colossians 3:18-21“Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord. Father’s, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart.”
There are strong views associated with the topic of submission which arise from verses like this one from Colossians. The words appear as commands, hence why religious people use them to establish rules in their churches and in their personal lives. They are very general, hence why feminists and contemporary-minded people can talk around them and miss the truth there. The purpose of instruction is that someone wise enlightens someone less knowledgeable. Paul identified some truths in his reading of the Old Testament and through his observations of the society around him and shared them with his struggling congregation. He concluded some very simple things: that a marriage would function as God intended if the wife trusted her husband enough to lead and if the husband took his responsibility seriously enough to love and protect his wife. Children would flourish if they obeyed their parents and parents would have better success with their children if they dealt with them out of love and not a need to control. These things he referred to as being our duty in the Lord. He meant that it was certain to be the case, if a person was in Christ, that these things would exist in their lives and in their characters. It is the territory that comes with being a child of God. So I hope to unpack these ideas a bit further in order to see the truth that Paul brings under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
When dealing with a fight between two children, there are always two sides. No child would silently accept being judged before a parent and take it as a fair assessment. The parent usually listens to both sides of the story and deals with both children at the same time e.g. “You need to stop teasing your brother. And you shouldn’t hit your sister! If she teases you, you need to come to me.” We read a similar approach in Colossians where Paul writes “Wives, be subject to your husband’s” BUT “husbands, love your wives!” He says, “Children, obey your parents” BUT “Father’s don’t provoke your children.” There are two sides in these stories. We tell children that regardless of another person’s actions, they are responsible for their own actions. Likewise, if a wife is not submitting to her husband, that doesn’t mean he should stop loving his wife. If a parent is annoying their child, that doesn’t mean the child should stop obeying their parents. However, if a husband doesn’t love his wife, it makes it harder for her to submit to his leadership, in the same way that a child teasing their sibling finds it hard not to retaliate.
If we could speculate as to why men are the head of the home and parents have authority over children, we could say that it is so that everyone has a role and has someone to listen to. Men listen for God’s direction, women listen to the direction of their husband (trusting that He is seeking God’s will), and children listen to their parents (trusting that all communication has run down the chain of command all the way from God). That’s not to say that these individuals can’t go directly to God themselves—of course they can!—but God chooses not to appear to us in a bodily form, or speak to us in an audible voice, therefore He must use others to do it. There is something about a woman that wants to trust someone, to know that she is in good hands and there is something about a man that needs to be needed—to protect something. I believe it is human nature. It’s not about one person having all the power while the other person is weak. Like in a workplace, if people know their role and they have someone to go to when they need help with that role, or to speak on their behalf and take the blame if something goes wrong, then they are confident. The bible doesn’t give reasons as to why God ordered things the way He did, but we know His way is the best way.
The verse states that wives should submit to their husbands. It gives the reason as it is “fitting,” or proper, in the Lord. Meaning, that’s how it was meant to be. Man was made first before the woman for an important reason. There is nothing that God does that doesn’t represent an important truth. Woman was made from man—and for man. She is described as a “helper” that is “fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). Someone that isn’t him, but whom compliments him. Women are meant to work alongside men, but are not designed to be the head, or to rule over men. Also, the woman, Eve, led the man, Adam, into sin, which was given as a reason why she would receive the curse of having man ruling over her thereafter. In other words, when she took the initiative as the leader she led her husband into sin; so as part of her punishment she is subject to following the leadership of her husband, even if he leads her in the wrong direction sometimes. The only authority that is higher is God’s—God’s commands come before the husbands’. Another reason, beyond the curse, for women to submit to their husbands, is it brings honour to them. In Proverbs 31 it describes submission as an ornament for women—it makes them more beautiful than any outward adornment could.
If the bride is compared with the church, then it’s clear that the groom is a reflection of Jesus Christ. If the church is under the leadership of Jesus, then that means that the woman is meant to be under the leadership of the man. Likewise, Jesus loved His church enough to die for her (Ephesians 5:22-28). Shouldn’t this then be the self-less, strengthening, powerful love that a man shows his wife? Jesus gave His own fleshly desires up to make us holy. Nothing makes a person holy like marriage. If the husband loves his wife as he is meant to, then he will change her with his love. His love will show her more of Jesus and will make her want to choose to serve him, as opposed to being forced or obligated.
It is not just husband and wives that are the focus here, but also children and parents. Honouring our parents by obedience is a command of God that is followed with a promise: those who listen to their parents are the most likely to prosper in the world and enjoy a long life (Exodus 20:12). Why? Well, a short answer would be that sometimes our parents are right and we are just too immature to see it. There is often, but not always, wisdom that comes with age and there is usually such a large age gap between children and parents. In Job it says that advanced years should teach wisdom (Job 32:7). It is up to the older generation to teach wisdom to the younger generation. Children need to receive it and obey, even if their minds cannot yet rationalize the wisdom of the instruction. It is their duty. It is the role that they have been given—for it takes courage to be obedient, as it takes courage to lead.
Children are responsible for fulfilling their role, which is obedience. However, parents can make this really difficult by provoking their children with harshness and control. A controlling, severe, parent can start to feel, to a child, much like a prison warden and will inspire a desire of escape or retaliation. It is enough to make a child lose heart. They will not speak well of their parents and call them blessed, like the children of the women of good character in Proverbs 31. They will resent them. The bible, instead, gives parents the advice that if they use gentleness and kindness in the bringing-up of their children, then their children will flourish.
Paul concludes in Colossians 3:23-24, “Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters, since you know that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you serve the Lord Christ.” In other words, God is watching and judging you. Not the other person. He holds you responsible. The bible tells us that we are placed in the circumstances we are in for a reason, so we should make the most of it. Whatever is pleasing to God should be done with pleasure by us.
