“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35
At church,
for the last five Sundays, we have been learning about biblical womanhood and
manhood. It was a doctrine that I was completely comfortable to delve into and
not anxious to learn about, but this wasn’t always the case.
I grew up
with a very skewed view about what it means to be a woman. On the one hand, I
had a mother who displayed a nurturing quality, she provided for all my needs
and gave all of herself to the raising of her children and to looking after the
house. My mother relied on her husband for things like heavy lifting, yard
work, killing creepy crawlies, checking on suspicious noises and most
importantly earning an income. To me it was clear that a woman was a woman and
a man was a man. But, on the other hand, my mother could be a strong-willed
woman who made decisions in isolation of my father and often did what she
wanted. I celebrated in this side of her when I was growing up and now, looking
back, I realise I had an almost “stick it to the man” kind of attitude.
I grew up in
an age that my Pastor refers to as the “girl power” era. It wasn’t just the
Spice Girls that gave me that message though. It was the women in the churches
I went to. We had so many women’s events that had a real “me” focus to them. You are a princess of the Most High God. You
are beautiful. You are powerful. You are made in the image of God. You can do
anything! Not to say that those things aren’t true, but I think my pride
got fattened on those messages.
When I was
13 years old, I recall writing a poem that said:
Boys are out
Girls are in
Come on girls, we’ve got souls to win!
When I was
14 years old I had a boy in my class who came from a conservative family (and
church) and he criticized the girls in the class who wore makeup and he said
that women shouldn’t work or hold a job. He even suggested that his views were
biblical. I didn’t read my bible much back then, so I didn’t really know how to
argue with him—but argue I did. All I knew was that his words made me angry and
sounded so unfair and I had to put him in his place!
When I was
15 years old, I got a little bit more stubborn about needing to prove to men
that “anything you can do I can do better” and I asked my life group leader, a
young woman herself, what the bible had to say about women working. She pointed
out that there were women in the bible who worked, including the Proverbs 31 woman
of noble character. Then, of course, there was the female judge Deborah who
held a position of authority over a whole army of men. I used these women as my
weapon and brandished it with pride.
I took one
more blow when the same boy referenced 1 Timothy 2:13-14, “Let a woman
learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to
exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.” I recall my
suppressed gasp as I read this for the first time. Stubbornly, I thought there
must be more to it, but I got very unsatisfactory answers from my leaders at
the time; just a vague “it doesn’t apply to us today.” Then eventually, when I
was about 16 I had a male youth leader who went to Bible College and had
answers to all of my questions. He told me that the verse had to be taken in its
correct context, that the women of that time were calling out in the middle of
the church service and interrupting the teacher with unimportant drivel, so
Paul had to resort to extreme measures and say for them to be quiet in the
service. But now, today, women are more educated and we can speak freely
because we are not like the women in Ephesus.
I felt so
relieved to finely have my weapon back again, a reason to say, “See! I can do
what I want!”
I was so
judgmental of the men in my church who didn’t quite seem to have the same
commitment to church or to Godly living and certainly didn’t serve in the
church unless it was to be in the band or on the stage. There were a lot of
wives who were run ragged serving on a Sunday and a lot of husbands who wanted
to leave straight after the service. I recall a friend saying to me how much
she just wished her boyfriend would step up Spiritually so that he could, one
day, lead her. Then of course there was my mother who went to church alone and
eventually, I had a relationship that was very similar.
Where were
the Godly men?
It wasn’t
until I was 20 that a friend told me to listen to Mark Driscoll’s sermons on
men and women that I started to think about what a man ought to be and what a
woman ought to be.
I also started
questioning my faith, due to meeting with some Mormon missionaries, so I
resolved to read the bible cover to cover (or at least the New Testament) to
see what the bible actually said. I
thought that if I put all fear aside and allowed for the possibility that what
I had always thought might be wrong…then I would uncover the truth.
I eventually
came to realize how wrong I was about a lot of things that I believed,
including the roles of men and women. It was still somewhat of a sore point but
I felt the authority of the bible as it taught me:
The husband
is the head of the home in the way that Jesus is the head of the church.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands
as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the
head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Ephesians 5:22-23
A wife
submitting to her husband is a choice and a witness to him of the truth of the
word.
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to
your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be
won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity
and reverence of your lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2
Women need
to teach each other. A woman’s first responsibility is to the home and family.
“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent
in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to
teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands
and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind,
and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of
God.” Titus 2:3-5
Women are to
show Godly character more than a beautiful appearance. They should submit to
male leadership in the church and not act like Eve who supplanted her husband.
“I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency
and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or
pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who
profess to worship God. A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.
I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be
quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived;
it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved
through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with
propriety.” 1 Timothy 2:9-15
I was
finally willing to trust the bible, even though I didn’t like it.
One year
later, I found myself in a completely different style of church. It was a
reformed-charismatic church who found dear to them the doctrines that were dear
to me. It was like finding an oasis in the middle of a desert!
I attended a
program called Starting Point, which was the gateway into the church and the
topic eventually came up. I was thankful that I had already read some of the
views on the differing roles of men and women in the church before I sat in on
that meeting. I agreed with them and felt relieved that the church I was
joining upheld the bible’s teaching.
But what
took me from that step of agreeing with God’s word and being completely convinced of the power of it…was seeing the men
and women in my church living out the bible in action.
I have never
seen anything like it!
The Pastor
was so gentle, yet I sensed his authority. His wife was so strong and wise, yet
I sensed her willing submission to him. He told us a story about how he felt
that God was calling him to move to Australia to start a church in Sydney but
he consulted with his wife first. He publically acknowledged her wisdom and her
role as his ‘helper.’ Yet she was willing to move to another country because she trusted and respected her husband.
The women in
the church didn’t sit back and do nothing; they were busy serving. They made meals for
others, helped each other to move houses, served coffees, opened their homes and
babysat children. Some of them had jobs, others stayed at home, but all of them saw that their house and their children came first.
But most
importantly, all the married couples were happy! None of the women complained
about their husbands. None of the husbands complained about their wives. None
of them complained about their role as husband or wife.
And even though
women were not allowed to teach out the front on a Sunday morning, they joyfully received the
message from their Pastor—and it felt…right.
I started
with a lie and the bible revealed to me the truth, but what really cemented it in my heart and made it so dear was
seeing it in the life of my church. So that's how I could sit so joyfully for 5 Sundays listening to what the bible has to say about biblical manhood and womanhood.
