My first love

So often I attribute my happiness to the idols that I worship: To romance, to men, to love itself.

God is a jealous God. And like a jealous husband, He will not tolerate a wandering eye. Not because He is petty and possessive; but because He purchased us with His own blood and knows that accepting Him leads to life.

I am done for when a guy that I like opens a door for me, or says clever things to me, or gives me a helping hand with the things I’m carrying.

But God whispers,

“And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal.” Hosea‬ ‭2:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

While my mind is full of others, He is continually showing me His love and wanting me to acknowledge Him before all others.

I watch a romantic TV series over and over again to absorb the feelings it gives me, thinking that it will satisfy me, but I am left feeling lonely after it ends.

God keeps drawing my mind to His love story that He wrote, coaxing me to read it. For when I read His words, He knows it will bring peace, it sheds light in the darkness, and my heart will soften toward Him.

I won’t find what I’m looking for in a man. I will find what I’m looking for in Jesus.

“She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.'” Hosea‬ ‭2:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It’s better with Him.

I am single. I want to be married—most people, if they are truthful, want this because man was not designed to be alone. Yet there are so many failing marriages around me that make me despair: is there no man who is faithful?

“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.” Hosea‬ ‭2:19‬ ‭ESV‬‬

He is faithful. He has, is, and will always be faithful. He doesn’t break His covenant. We do. And he welcomes us back with open arms and changes our soiled, dirty clothes and gives us new ones. His love makes us pure again.

“And the angel said to those who were standing before him, "Remove the filthy garments from him." And to him he said, "Behold, I have taken your iniquity away from you, and I will clothe you with pure vestments."” Zechariah‬ ‭3:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The greatest mystery of all is why God would show this kind of mercy.

“...and I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, 'You are my people'; and he shall say, 'You are my God.'"” Hosea‬ ‭2:23 ESV

I answered His call and said, “You are my God.” But I need to do it again.

I need to be reminded over and over and over, that He is my first love. I should sing His praises. I should tell others about my love for Him. I should delight in Him and see His beauty. And I should remember what He has done for me and who I am because of Him.

Jesus... I choose you.

All the single ladies

It's hard to write about singleness because there is a fear that talking about your singleness makes you sound sad or pathetic. But I fight that feeling to write this post because as a single lady I know that empathy is worth it's weight in gold.

If you're like me, you're sick of hearing the following advice:

• God has someone for you you just have to be patient.
• You'll find someone when you stop looking.
• You just need to put yourself out there.
• Have you tried finding someone on the internet?

When I hear stories about how my married friends met, I know instantly that there is more to it than just "putting yourself out there." For instance, there are so many ways people can meet: The high school sweethearts; the we-met-on-a-mission-trip relationship; the youth group relationship; the workplace romance; the blind date; the long distance relationship; the friend of a friend... 

But, with the exception of the 2 people I know who met their spouse on the internet and the 1 person I know whom had an arranged marriage, in the end, the thing that all people have in common is that their relationship happened naturally.

It's funny how married people, trying to help, give advice to their single friends to be more proactive and not "just sit around and wait" (I don't know anyone who just sits around and waits for anybody. It's a ridiculous assumption. The closest truth to that statement is that there are a lot of women, myself included, who are old fashioned and want a man to pursue them and won't do the pursuing.) when, for them, it was just a matter of stumbling across their partner in whatever situation they were in. 

I remember, once upon a time, my family used to say that maybe I would find someone if I just went to another church. I would never be so shallow as to just change churches to find a new pool of men, but other circumstances led me to change churches anyway and, guess what? I didn't find a man.

You can't orchestrate it. You can't force it.

The truth is: God is in control.

And that's scary to admit. If I'm not at fault and I'm not in control, then I have to trust someone else. I have to trust the Lord.

The bible says that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

The time of singleness is not something that you chose for yourself. It is what God chooses for you. The life you haven't planned for yourself is the life that God did plan for you.

Reading the book Shopping For Time, by Carolyn Mahaney and her daughters, I learnt that God designed this long, unwelcome season of singleness in my life so that I could best glorify Him.

"God sets the boundaries for each season of our lives. He determines when one closes and a new one begins. He is in complete charge and sovereignty rules over every season of our lives. And His purpose for our lives in each season ultimately cannot be frustrated." (Shopping For Time, p23).

Proverbs 16:9 says, "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

Jeremiah 10:23 says, "I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps."

So, to all my single ladies, I want you to hear me: you are not the reason you are single. There are many unfit, unattractive, strong-willed, independent or shy women who are married. You may have flaws (you may also be looking at yourself too harshly) but they do not prevent you from "finding someone." You are single because God has called you to be single.

It's ok to hope for marriage. It's ok to be disappointed when someone doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It's ok to get frustrated when your options are non-existent. You could just give in and marry someone that you aren't sure about or not attracted to, or who's beliefs are shaky, but there's no use trying to force a blessing on your life like Sarah did in the bible when she tried to force the blessing of a child in her family. It's no use despairing for this season to be over.

John Lennon must have stumbled across a bit of truth when he said, "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans."

God has called you to this season. So what now?

Embrace the reality that this is your life. It has already begun, has already been running for the last 30 years (for some of us). Humble yourself before God and accept his plan for your life. When you do this, you will find joy.

Having said all of that, this is a truth I haven't mastered. I'm sometimes resigned, sometimes frustrated, sometimes tempted, sometimes seeking the wrong person, sometimes angry... I write this to myself and hope that it helps you too.

I'm Not Shy

Growing up, people always said that I was shy and I believed them. I was the hide-behind-my-mothers-skirts, not-very-outgoing, blushing-bright-red child who always seemed to miss social cues and whom struggled being around too many people at once.

Knowing my struggles, my mother forced me to speak to the cashier at the service station and got me to pay for our petrol, or she would get me to give my order to the waiter at the restaurant. These simple acts were terrifying to me!

But…

I’m not shy.

When I was a teenager I used to stare at my feet and I always had a scowl on my face and I used meanness to place myself above other people because I was so scared of them.

One of the hardest thing I ever did was get my first job. If my parents weren’t so insistent, I wouldn’t’ have done it in the first place but mum took me to the local chemist and forced me to hand in my resume. She made sure I was the one to do it and ensured that I did all the talking. Then she drove me back for the interview and I had to do that all on my own too. I was able to fake confidence for the 15 minute duration of the interview, but when I started the job I was constantly overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to deal with the customers, whom were occasionally hostile with my slowness and awkwardness and occasionally just jerks because…well, they were just jerks. But it was also hard talking to the people I worked with. Sometimes they would blow up at me and sometimes they would just ignore me. I was even told by my boss that I needed to smile more and not look so depressed. This was so hard for me because I couldn’t feign confidence for that amount of time and I couldn’t force a smile. It was all so draining.

At church it wasn’t any easier. I was comfortable with my sisters and my friends from school, but if they weren’t there, I was lost and the girl with the scowl would return and suddenly I was “too cool for kid’s church.” I would stand there with my arms folded and not talk to anyone.

If work was hard; University was agonising!

Suddenly, I was in the deep end. My parents wouldn’t help me at all. I didn’t know how to catch a train or bus, or look up the timetables. I didn’t know how to drive. I didn’t even know how much the tickets were. I didn’t know my way around the university because I had failed to go to the orientation day, again out of fear, and I didn’t know a soul. The first week held a LOT of tears. I remember calling my boyfriend at the time, whom was on his way to work, absolutely sobbing, to come and pick me up because I was lost and couldn’t find the university. On that hysterical day, I finally got to the university only to see a sign put up on the door of my classroom that said that our class had been cancelled. And, it was the only class I had on that day. I had only planned a return trip that matched the time my class finished so I had no idea what bus to catch or how to get home. I have never felt more scared and miserable. Then, a girl showed up. She offered me a ride home and she showed me kindness. I never saw her again, but she was such an angel! She gave me the courage to go back again. And eventually I was able to do it. I still sat by myself in the library with my headphones on not talking to anyone, but I had taken a step.

I eventually lost the scowl and I learned to include more people into my circle of friends, but it was still an ongoing struggle.

The funny thing is, I always thought that I was “just shy.”

But now I know better.

I joined a church called Sovereign Grace and on my first time at Fellowship Group (which was a group where just the women would meet together) I found myself blurting this all out to them—to perfect strangers. I told them how at my new job, as a teacher, I was terrified to go into the staffroom and talk to people and that the temptation was to stay in my classroom at lunch and avoid them altogether. I broke down all my defences and let someone in on my darkest secret.

Their response? Two other women confessed and told me that they could relate to my feelings. Confident, wise, strong women who had the same anxieties! You have no idea how good it feels for someone to say “me too!” It’s just like the apostle Paul says, in 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.” 

The ladies in the group referred me to a book that helped them, called ‘When People Are Big and God is small,’ by Ed Welch. Welch teaches about how a need for the approval of people gives them power over you and then this controls you. He called it “fear of man.”

It turns out my problem was not just part of my personality. I have a problem—a sin problem. And it’s a universal problem, not just for the “shy” people. Even confident people are concerned with the opinions of others. The problem is that we see people as bigger than they are and it affects people in different ways. For me it was “thwarted pride.” I wanted to be more than I was—to be seen as perfect. I chose people as my god to fear, because what I really feared was the gaze of a holy God. The one true God, whom I could never stand before as perfect.

Reading this book was like someone slapping me in the face and telling me that I messed up. But the truth in it was also refreshing. It was probably more like a bucket of crisp, cold water thrown in my face.

After that, I stopped giving myself the excuse that I was shy. I was just choosing to be afraid of people instead of trusting God. And I wasn’t being loving to others either.

One verse really stuck with me that changed the way I acted around others. Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

How can you look out for other people’s interests when you won’t even talk to them? So I began to put myself out there and I forced myself to say yes to everything. I went to every dinner invite, every movie or beach invite, every event at church… and eventually, people didn’t even believe me when I told them that I used to be shy.

Now I love people. I put myself out there. I allow them to see the nerdy side of me, the silly side of me, the deep side of me and the questioning side of me (because I have a lot of those…). And I have found rich blessings from God through breaking off this “shyness” and putting on love.

It’s not to say that I don’t struggle anymore. The feelings are still there. What is it like? Imagine your heart racing, your mind filling up suddenly with many, confusing worries, a desire to flee and the room suddenly appears larger before you and then you panic.

When I get invited to a party, I have to fight the desire to not go. When I serve on kid’s ministry and have to enter the main hall at church afterwards when everyone else is in full conversation…the temptation is to go straight home and not fellowship with others. When I know I should tell strangers about Jesus and share the good news about his death and resurrection, I am tempted to say, “That’s a job for the extravert.” But the Bible says that I shouldn’t trust my feelings. The Bible says that our hearts are deceitful. And I believe it.

I am not free of these feelings, but I am free of the victim mentality. I now know that I can fight it and believe what the Word says, “I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.”

So, I’m not shy.

There’s no such excuse. Praise God that He is greater.