If you're like me, you're sick of hearing the following advice:
- God has someone for you you just have to be patient.
- You'll find someone when you stop looking.
- You just need to put yourself out there.
- Have you tried finding someone on the internet?
When I hear stories about how my married friends met, I know instantly that there is more to it than just "putting yourself out there." For instance, there are so many ways people can meet: The high school sweethearts; the we-met-on-a-mission-trip relationship; the youth group relationship; the workplace romance; the blind date; the long distance relationship; the friend of a friend...
But, with the exception of the 2 people I know who met their spouse on the internet and the 1 person I know whom had an arranged marriage, in the end, the thing that all people have in common is that their relationship happened naturally.
It's funny how married people, trying to help, give advice to their single friends to be more proactive and not "just sit around and wait" (I don't know anyone who just sits around and waits for anybody. It's a ridiculous assumption. The closest truth to that statement is that there are a lot of women, myself included, who are old fashioned and want a man to pursue them and won't do the pursuing.) when, for them, it was just a matter of stumbling across their partner in whatever situation they were in.
I remember, once upon a time, my family used to say that maybe I would find someone if I just went to another church. I would never be so shallow as to just change churches to find a new pool of men, but other circumstances led me to change churches anyway and, guess what? I didn't find a man.
You can't orchestrate it. You can't force it.
The truth is: God is in control.
And that's scary to admit. If I'm not at fault and I'm not in control, then I have to trust someone else. I have to trust the Lord.
The bible says that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
The time of singleness is not something that you chose for yourself. It is what God chooses for you. The life you haven't planned for yourself is the life that God did plan for you.
Reading the book Shopping For Time, by Carolyn Mahaney and her daughters, I learnt that God designed this long, unwelcome season of singleness in my life so that I could best glorify Him.
"God sets the boundaries for each season of our lives. He determines when one closes and a new one begins. He is in complete charge and sovereignty rules over every season of our lives. And His purpose for our lives in each season ultimately cannot be frustrated." (Shopping For Time, p23).
Proverbs 16:9 says, "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Jeremiah 10:23 says, "I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps."
So, to all my single ladies, I want you to hear me: you are not the reason you are single. There are many unfit, unattractive, strong-willed, independent or shy women who are married. You may have flaws (you may also be looking at yourself too harshly) but they do not prevent you from "finding someone." You are single because God has called you to be single.
It's ok to hope for marriage. It's ok to be disappointed when someone doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It's ok to get frustrated when your options are non-existent. You could just give in and marry someone that you aren't sure about or not attracted to, or who's beliefs are shaky, but there's no use trying to force a blessing on your life like Sarah did in the bible when she tried to force the blessing of a child in her family. It's no use despairing for this season to be over.
John Lennon must have stumbled across a bit of truth when he said, "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans."
God has called you to this season. So what now?
Embrace the reality that this is your life. It has already begun, has already been running for the last 30 years (for some of us). Humble yourself before God and accept his plan for your life. When you do this, you will find joy.
Having said all of that, this is a truth I haven't mastered. I'm sometimes resigned, sometimes frustrated, sometimes tempted, sometimes seeking the wrong person, sometimes angry... I write this to myself and hope that it helps you too.
